Über den Umgang mit Menschen

In social life, how we present our abilities and achievements plays a crucial role in how others perceive us. Those who speak with quiet confidence shape opinions far better than those who exaggerate or boast. Subtlety and consistency will always outperform arrogance.

This idea has stood the test of time, and it’s a concept that could fill an entire book on how to navigate different social situations. History has shown us again and again that those who boast with confidence, even if their claims aren’t entirely true, often shape the opinions of others.

Take, for example, someone who brags about their connections with influential people. Even if these connections aren’t real, many will take their word for it, giving them attention and possibly even some benefits based on the perceived importance of their relationships.

This phenomenon also applies to people with limited knowledge but confident opinions. Those who speak assertively often discourage others, especially those who know more, from challenging them. It’s this dynamic that can elevate individuals who may lack true expertise, allowing them to become influential in certain circles.

Artists, writers, and musicians have long understood this principle. Foreign artists, for example, can command exorbitant prices for their work, not necessarily because it’s superior in quality, but because their established reputation precedes them. Often, these artists rely on local artisans to carry out the actual work but still claim it as their own, capitalizing on the perception of exclusivity and expertise.

Writers employ a similar strategy. By subtly suggesting in their prefaces that renowned scholars or experts encouraged or even insisted they publish their work, they create an illusion of authority that attracts readers. In reality, these claims might be entirely fabricated, but they effectively craft a sense of credibility and prestige.

Musicians, too, understand the power of reputation. Often, a musician’s ability to sell out venues or command high fees is less about their talent and more about their name recognition. Some artists may hire other musicians to perform or even help compose their works, yet still, their name is what attracts the crowd. Much like artists and writers, musicians build a reputation that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the belief in their greatness fuels their success.

This principle also shapes everyday social interactions. People who ask for favors or protection with confidence are often more likely to receive a positive response than those who approach cautiously or humbly. The world tends to reward boldness and assertiveness.

Never abandon your principles when you are convinced they are just. Making exceptions can be dangerous and lead to compromises you didn't intend. If you've decided, after careful thought, not to lend books or limit your wine intake, for example, stick to those decisions even if someone close urges otherwise, as long as the original reasons for your choice still apply. Be resolute but not inflexible in trivial matters.

To garner enduring respect, refrain from consistently flavoring your conversation with slander, mockery, gossip, and sneering. Although such behaviors might provide momentary amusement, an individual who perpetually aims to entertain at the cost of others or truth will, over time, be ostracized and scorned. Those with sensitivity, emotions, and discernment ought to exercise patience for the imperfections of others, endure their shortcomings, and aspire to engage in more meaningful and constructive conversations.

Exercise caution when criticizing and contradicting others. Most things in the world have at least two sides, and prejudices can obscure even the judgment of a wise person. It's challenging to always form a just idea of others' situations. Be especially careful not to hastily judge the actions of judicious individuals unless your modesty suggests that you are wiser than those you criticize. However, this internal sense of superiority is often suspect.

There are individuals in social life who are always ready to receive but never willing to give. They desire to be entertained, instructed, served, applauded, paid, and cared for by the public without offering anything in return. They complain of being bored by the dullness of their companions without realizing that others might have the same complaint against them.

I believe you'll concur that an honest and sensible person won't mock essential religious doctrines, even if they happen to question their truth. However, it's crucial to note that ridiculing religious rites, ceremonies considered significant by many as parts of their faith, or human institutions held dear by certain sects is equally inappropriate. Respecting what is sacred to others and allowing them the same liberty you seek for yourself is essential. Keep in mind that what one considers mental illumination might be darkness to another. Spare the prejudices that bring peace to your weaker brethren. Offer something better rather than taking from someone. Remember that ridicule seldom convinces others, our reason can easily err in such important matters, and attempting to overturn a defective system might inadvertently bring down the entire moral structure. Above all, such topics are unsuitable for discussion in mixed company.

Whenever you discuss bodily, mental, moral, or other defects, or share anecdotes that cast certain principles in a ridiculous light or reflect blame on particular social ranks, be careful to ensure that no one present could be offended. Avoid ridiculing a person's shape, features, or appearance, as no mortal has the power to alter them.

It is distressing for someone with a unique countenance or figure to realize that it becomes an object of ridicule or surprise. Even among individuals familiar with the world and who have interacted with people of all forms and shapes, there are those, particularly among the female part, who lack self-control or possess indifferent notions of decorum and equity, unable to conceal their reaction to an unusual sight. This, however, reveals great weakness. Considering the relativity of our notions of beauty and deformity, the precariousness of our physiognomical knowledge, and the frequent coexistence of a beautiful heart and a great mind with an apparently unconventional form, it's evident how unjust we are to draw injurious inferences from external appearances.

Secrecy is a virtue often lacking in contemporary life. In our times, individuals can be remarkably dishonest in their promises, even breaking the most solemn assurances and oaths without hesitation to reveal secrets entrusted to them. Others, though less unscrupulous, are heedless, unable to restrain their loquacity and, out of imprudence, share important secrets in public places. These individuals, thoughtless about their own secrets and plans, end up harming their temporal happiness and undermining their best intentions.

The French call it "contenance" — that balance, harmony, and consistency in our external conduct. Equanimity, abstaining from violence, passionate heat, and precipitation, should be a particular focus for those of a more volatile temperament.

There are additional social improprieties and incongruities that we should avoid. Consider the consequences if everyone in the company were to take the same liberty:

• Sleeping during a sermon.
• Talking loudly in a concert.
• Whispering into a friend's ear behind the back of another.
• Having private conversations in the company.
• Dancing or playing an instrument poorly, causing amusement or boredom.
• Running into people when they're trying to make room for you.
• Playing cards without knowing the game well, frustrating others.
• Humming the tune while dancing.
• Standing in the playhouse and blocking the view of those behind.
• Arriving late, leaving early, or staying longer than others.

Some individuals naturally excel in conversing with others, effortlessly forming new connections and earning the good opinion of those they meet. On the other hand, some struggle with a persistent timidity and shyness, even in the presence of new faces. This timidity can often be attributed to a flawed or inadequate upbringing, and at times, it may stem from an underlying vanity that makes individuals fear appearing less than impressive. For many, this shyness in the company of strangers seems ingrained, persisting despite efforts to overcome it.

It is imperative, therefore, that you do not carry excessive expectations into every social circle you enter. Prudence dictates that you shouldn't anticipate being the central figure in every gathering, striving to shine and stand out, nor should you presume that all attention and focus must be exclusively on you. Disregarding this advice is a sure path to feeling neglected in various settings, playing a pitiful role, becoming burdensome to both yourself and others, and eventually avoiding society, only to be avoided in return.

I've encountered many individuals of this type, who must always be the focal point when they aim to present themselves in a favorable light. Similarly, there are numerous people in social settings who can tolerate the company of no one they perceive as comparable to them. They exhibit excellence, nobility, greatness, usefulness, benevolence, and wit when they are the sole recipients of our discourse, requests, expectations, and hopes. However, they quickly turn petty, mean, revengeful, and weak as soon as they are required to align themselves within a group, dismantling any structure not supervised by them, including their own creation if someone else has added a small embellishment. This disposition is unfortunate and antisocial.

So much for external decorum and good manners! I'll now add a few more words on dress. Ensure that your attire aligns with your situation and fortune—neither above nor beneath it. Avoid being overly fantastical, excessively bright, or ostentatiously extravagant. Instead, opt for cleanliness, decency, and tastefulness. If you choose a more lavish style, let your expenses contribute to solidity and elegance. Strive to strike a balance—neither sticking to outdated fashions nor blindly following every passing trend. Pay extra attention to your attire when mingling with higher social classes. Feeling improperly dressed can be distressing in company.

If you're wondering whether it's better to socialize frequently or infrequently, the answer depends on your individual situation. Consider your circumstances, needs, and various factors that might make one option more advisable for you. As a general guideline, avoid intruding on people or visiting too frequently. It's preferable for friends and acquaintances to wonder why you see them so rarely rather than complain about your frequent visits. Trust your internal sense to gauge whether your presence is welcomed or if it's time to take your leave.

In all situations, I strongly advise you, for your own benefit and that of others, never to dismiss any society as entirely uninteresting or consider anyone's conversation as completely devoid of value. Always remain open to the possibility of learning something or finding material for reflection even in seemingly indifferent or mundane conversations.

The choice of our most frequent conversational companions depends on our individual circumstances. Ideally, if we have the option (which is often more common than we realize), it is advisable to surround ourselves with those wiser than us—individuals from whom we can glean valuable insights and who surpass us in certain aspects. However, a common tendency is to gather a circle of less accomplished minds, who orbit around us in servile compliance whenever our superior intellect chooses to wield its influence. The unfortunate outcome is that we remain stagnant, never progressing in wisdom and virtue.

The prevailing tone in social circles can often be peculiar and tiresome, influenced by factors like prejudice, vanity, custom, and a desire to imitate. People may find themselves trapped in repetitive and tedious conversations, even with those they've known for years. Despite the discomfort, many feel obligated to endure such social situations without interruption.

In fashionable circles, true enjoyment might be experienced by only a few individuals, as others may participate in activities like card-playing without genuine interest. It becomes somewhat absurd when individuals in smaller towns or villages try to emulate the fashionable follies of the capital, bending under the cumbersome yoke of fashion. Those with influence should work to make these circles more rational.

In populous cities, individuals may live more according to their inclinations, with less observation and restraint. However, in smaller towns, one might be burdened with maintaining social accounts, making frequent visits, and engaging in conversations that revolve around news and politics. While this can be painful for those with a sense of discernment, there are gradual means of refining the tone of conversation or, failing that, adopting a sociable demeanor.

Living in villages or country estates can be comfortable, offering numerous opportunities to contribute to the well-being of the community. Social pleasures might be more challenging to find in rural areas, particularly when one's closest friends are miles away. To be content in the country, one must learn to appreciate simple pleasures, manage time wisely, and maintain variety.

In foreign countries, one must exercise extreme caution in conversations, considering various factors. It's essential not to underestimate certain relationships, whether the purpose of travel is for education, political or economic matters, or merely for leisure. When traveling for instruction, it's crucial to assess the country's nature and whether discussing certain topics may lead to danger or annoyance. In some states, governments harshly penalize those who unveil certain concealed aspects. In such cases, circumspection is necessary in conversations, inquiries, and even in choosing connections.

It's worth noting that only a few travelers have a legitimate reason to delve into the internal workings of foreign countries. Nonetheless, curiosity and a restless desire for activity drive many to gather dubious anecdotes abroad for works that might not serve the greater good. This precaution becomes doubly important when there's something to ask or transact for personal benefit in a foreign place. In such cases, the eyes of many are on us, requiring avoidance of connections with disgruntled individuals eager to cross paths with foreigners. Such individuals, dissatisfied with the government or their fellow citizens, often have damaged their reputation with imprudent conduct, yet seek to present themselves as having connections abroad. A wise foreigner may roam with these usually talkative guides for a few days without much risk. However, someone intending a more extended stay or seeking entry into refined circles should carefully choose connections, considering public opinion.

Since this was written in 1799 we're going to have to add text and email to this discussion!

Epistolary correspondence, or conversation through letters, aligns with many rules applicable to social conversation. However, it's essential to avoid excessive correspondence, as it serves little purpose, can be costly, and consumes time. The same caution should be exercised in choosing correspondents as in selecting daily companions. Commit to writing letters that contribute something useful or provide genuine pleasure to the recipient.

Circumspection is crucial in written communication, more so than in spoken words. Proper care of received letters is equally important, as neglecting this rule can lead to vexation, animosity, and discord. A single irrevocable word in a letter or a misplaced slip of paper has the potential to ruin peace and destroy familial happiness. Therefore, caution in letters and writing, in general, cannot be overstated. A heedless word spoken may be forgotten, but a written one can cause significant harm even after many years.

Letters of importance should be sent through regular mail for reliable delivery, avoiding reliance on travelers or third parties for reasons of economy. Reading letters in private is considered courteous, preventing the unintentional disclosure of contents through changes in facial expressions.

Always maintain a belief that individuals are not as virtuous as their friends portray them nor as wicked as depicted by their enemies. Judging people by their actions, not words, is a key principle. Choose moments of observation when they are unaware, focusing on less significant behaviors rather than major actions that are often performed with caution.

Pay attention to a person's morning demeanor, observing their preferences in food and drink, the way they walk, whether they enjoy solitude or prefer company, and various habits like interrupting conversations or being mysterious. Handwriting can also reveal aspects of character, although it's essential not to judge the entire character based on a few traits.

Collect these observations carefully, but avoid making sweeping judgments from isolated traits. Be cautious about favoring individuals who are overly courteous to you. Don't firmly rely on the love and friendship of others until they've shown affection through sacrifices. True attachment is demonstrated when individuals are willing to suppress their inclinations for the sake of our happiness.

All the general and specific rules, along with many more left to the judgment of readers, aim to make conversation easy, pleasant, and enhance social life. However, some individuals might have specific reasons to disregard certain rules, and it's fair to allow everyone the liberty to pursue their happiness in their own way. No one should be compelled to conform to customs that don't align with their preferences.

For those who neither seek the favor of the great nor general applause, or fame, and who, due to their political, economic situation, or other reasons, have no need to expand their circle of acquaintances, or individuals compelled by old age or infirmity to avoid social conversation, these rules may not be applicable. It's essential to be just enough not to impose our customs on others; let each person navigate their course. The happiness of each individual depends on their own notions of it, and it would be cruel to force someone to be happy against their inclination.

Before I delve into the specific rules for engaging in conversation with others, I'd like to make one more observation. If I were writing exclusively or primarily for men, I might have omitted or at least modified many of the rules I'm about to present. In their place, I might have substituted others that would be less applicable to men. However, that is not the aim of this book. Providing the best guidance for regulating conduct in social life is a task best suited for experienced and wise women; it's not something a man would succeed in fully understanding. Nevertheless, if the fair sex discovers useful hints in this work that they can apply to themselves, it would bring me considerable satisfaction.